Life is too short to always have clean fingernails

I'm not quite sure when it happened but at some point my cuddly infant with the best smelling hair turned into a grimy toddler with dirt under his fingernails and pieces of dinner in his hair. I remember the days when baths weren't a nightly requirement and my tiny baby smelled like heaven in my arms, but now I have to stop him from eating dog hair and drinking soapy, dirty bath water on a daily basis.

Kids grow up and I'm sure at several points in my life I'll cry remembering the younger years that will be long gone (hell it already happens every time I pack away another set of too-small clothes), and one day I'll miss the silliness and even the dirty bits just a little. Sometimes it's not so bad.. The muddy smile I get after a literal trip into the dirt is at least a little humorous (if no injuries are involved) and the funny face I get when my son has a hair in his mouth as he opens wide, points at his tongue and says "nine" (his word for our dog). I've even stifled a giggle when my son cracks up after an inevitable expulsion of gas. These, while gross in their own right, are accidents. It's the on-purpose gross behavior that sometimes leaves me mouth agape and horrified.

Today, for example, we went to the zoo. We hold annual passes so I make it a point to take my son every so often for a short trip to visit the animals. The zoo is not a clean place but with an 18 month old I've given in to the dirt and simply prepare by packing some hand wipes and a spare binky. This particular trip involved lunch given the time of day so my sister-in-law and I ordered our meals, packed my son into a high chair and started to eat. Minutes in, my son decided lunch at the zoo is only to be had while wearing two socks and one shoe. When I attempted to put his shoe back on, or take the other one off, he pitched a fit. This battle wasn't worth the tears (mine or his) so I gave in and placed the discarded shoe on the table while I continued to break up French fries and hand them to the tiny human making monkey noises next to me.

Mid-conversation with my sister, I saw my son stretching his little fingers across the empty space between him and the table and trying to get a hand on his rejected shoe. I asked him if he wanted to put it back on, to which he aggressively shook his head "no" so I returned it to the table, placing it a few inches back and out of reach.

A few seconds later, to my horror, I turned to see said shoe in my son's hands, making its way in apparent slow motion to his mouth. Apparently my shock caused a delayed reaction and before I could intercept his shoe, my son took one big lick right down the sole of it -- the sole that had been walking around a zoo filled with animals, uncaged birds and tiny humans that probably carry more germs than the first two combined.

I snatched the shoe back as quickly as possible and thrust some water in his direction but my son, who won't put half of what I try to feed him in his mouth, seemed unphased by the unpleasant mix of dirt and poo particles he had probably just consumed. Not to mention the morning consisted of a park trip in the same pair of shoes that included muddy grass and a gravel/sand pit (I don't even want to know what's in there!)

I'm pretty sure my son has since forgotten what the bottom of his shoe tasted like -- I'm sure he'll remind himself later - but I still gag a little every time I think about it. We brushed his teeth a little extra tonight. Is it still too early for mouthwash?

- N.

How to survive a week-long business trip with a toddler

So my husband often goes on business trips for work. They are typically 4-6 days and he's been doing them since my son was about 5 months old so we have gotten pretty used to them. Until this week, the last one had taken place when Hunter was just a year old (actually over his bday week) so I had never experienced a full "no dad" week with a toddler. And I thought the night wakings were exhausting...

First of all, this is the first time Hunter has had "object permanence" while my husband was on a business trip, meaning he knows dad still exists even when he can't see him. Even when my husband comes home late from work my son knows and will occasionally point at the door and say "dad?" I anticipated my husband's absence might be a problem, so we prepared accordingly.

Prep: All the fancy books and blogs suggest FaceTime, phone calls and even leaving behind a small token - such as an article of clothing with your scent on it or a Build-a-Bear with your voice recorded inside. We went with the latter and spent about $50 on a monkey that said "Hey Buddy I Love You" in my husband's voice. We gave it to him the day before my husband left and he LOVED it.

The next day, the true test began.

Day 1: 

11:30 a.m. - Facilitate a proper goodbye. Let your toddler wave to Dad as he leaves for his business trip and explain he will be on a trip for several days. But reassure him everything will be okay and he'll still have Mom, Nana, Papa and Auntie throughout the week.

11:45 - Put your toddler down for a nap and sneak husband back in the back door because he doesn't actually have to leave for another hour but if he leaves while your son is napping there is sure to be a meltdown and confusion when he wakes up (the experts say so).

12:45 - Husband actually leaves.

1:00 - Son wakes up from nap. Commit to keeping busy to ensure you both stay sane without any helpful intervention from family or friends.

1:15 - Lunch. Easy enough - we always have lunch without dad while he is at work.

1:45 - Make brownies. 

1:47 - Realize you are out of eggs and make an impromptu trip to Target to buy some. Stop at Costco to buy a water table to help distract your son from his father's absence. You've been meaning to buy one anyway...

2:15 - Actually make brownies.

3:15 - Go to the park to keep your toddler busy. Continually hear yourself saying "Dad is on a business trip" when asked by your toddler.

4:00 - Take shower. Let your toddler FaceTime Dad, who is at the airport still with a delayed flight, to distract him while you do so. Clearly you are an expert on this already because you are doing exactly what the books say to do.

4:15 - Finish shower, say goodbye to Dad and experience first meltdown as child will not hand over the phone but instead holds it close and says "dadadadadadadadad" over and over, clutching the phone to his chest.

4:30 - Give up on getting your phone back for the rest of the week.

5:00 - Dinner. Make a trusted favorite meal for your son so you know he will eat it and you won't have to spend time cooking several meals. Read books and play in playroom until dinner is ready.

5:30 - Watch as your child throws turkey to the dog and spits mashed potatoes down his shirt. Attempt to eat some yourself to show him how delicious it is. 

5:35 - Give in to microwave meatballs and applesauce for dinner.

5:42 - Look confused as your son makes monkey noises at you. Suddenly realize he wants his stuffed monkey with Dad's voice inside. Ah, yes.. you have beat this system, hearing dad's voice will cure all.

5:43 - Bring him monkey, sit it in chair next to him while he eats. Push hand that makes "monkey sounds." Toddler response: "dadadadadadad."

5:44 - Push hand with dad's voice instead. Watch your child gleefully request this on repeat.

5:47 - Regret your decision to buy stupid expensive monkey as your toddler becomes frantic, screaming and crying for Dad - who should obviously be home for dinner.

5:48 - Cry.

5:49 - Hide monkey.

5:50 - Pull yourself together, it's bath time. Your son LOVES bath time so this should be a breeze.

5:55 - Catch toddler mid-fall before he slams his head into the side of the tub because he is having another epic meltdown (obviously because Dad is gone and Mom sucks).

6:00 - Thank the Lord above that it is bedtime. Do entire routine yourself including attempting to stop your toddler from eating the lotion you are trying to put on him while also fighting him into pajamas and preparing his room for the night. Do everything perfect to assure there are no hiccups. There is no room for error.

6:10 - Attempt to carry toddler to bedroom, usually a pleasant end to the night where you tell him goodnight and he lays his head on your shoulder and blows you kisses. Instead, struggle to keep your toddler from falling onto the ground as he flails about screaming "DAD!!!" You have disrupted his routine and you suck. Way to go, Mom.

6:20 - Experience yet another epic meltdown when you inform your toddler it is neither time to watch TV or play with his dog (who is stuck in the garage while you attempt to get the toddler to sleep).

6:25 - Try to calmly explain to toddler where dad is while he shakes his head at you and says dad on repeat, while standing on top of a box, stomping his feet because, why not?

6:30 - Cry.

7:00 - Give in to TV with toddler.

7:15 - Call in-laws and cry to them that you need help because you are clearly incapable of even 12 hours alone with your toddler.

7:30 - In-laws arrive. Hide in pantry and feel like a failure until they successfully get toddler down to sleep without you.

7:33 - Marvel at how differently your toddler acts when grandparents are around.

7:35 - Breathe a sigh of relief that he is asleep.

7:40 - Cry.

7:45 - Watch TV for an hour before deciding the day was too exhausting for you and go to bed early. Pray for a full night's sleep.

11:30 - Awake to toddler crying for about 30 seconds followed by "dadadadadadadad" before he falls back to sleep. Simultaneously feel awful.

Day Two:

6:40 - Awake to toddler screaming "MOOOOM" into the baby monitor. Typical morning.

6:45 - Greet your child with the typical "Good morning sunshine!" to which he replies, "PAPA!" Still a typical morning.

7:00 - Make him his favorite breakfast to make up for being a total train wreck the day before. Sit calmly and watch Paw Patrol while he drinks his smoothie.

7:15 - Play in playroom, read stories, feel relief that things are going so well.

7:45 - Child discovers monkey that you hid the night before. Immediately begins frantic chorus of "DADADADADAD!"

7:46 - Rehide monkey.

8:00 - Decide the only way to handle the rest of the week is to be home as little as possible and take toddler to Target to play with toys in the dollar section. Go to breakfast, run errands, buy him a couple treats.

9:00 - Leave for music class.

11:00 - Get home from music class. Keep toddler awake in the car as not to interrupt nap time. He's clearly exhausted so nap time should be a breeze.

11:30 - Toddler fights naptime. For an hour. STOP JINXING YOURSELF.

11:32 - Cry.

12:30 - Decide to take him to lunch because home is awful. 

12:35 - Toddler falls asleep in car.

1:45 - Lunch with toddler. He is well-rested and actually happy. SCORE.

2:30 - Go to in-laws house to play with auntie and papa and stay there until you absolutely must go home.

5:00 - Go to Great-Nana's house to kill more time.

6:00 - Accept help from both parties who come over to participate in bedtime routine.

7:00 - Put toddler to bed with the help of papa and auntie. WIN! He goes right to sleep. You clearly cannot handle your toddler on your own, but three people can. You have finally discovered the secret formula!

7:20 - Tell husband when he calls that he is no longer allowed to FaceTime or talk to his son while he is gone because you (and your toddler) seem to be unable to handle it emotionally. Sorry, Dad.

7:30 - Realize the water table you purchased is still in the box, unassembled, on your bedroom floor.

Day 3:

Basically more of the same. Except this time naptime is a success on your own and your toddler sleeps for two hours. Hold onto this feeling for the rest of the week. You can consider it your single greatest success.

7:15 After child falls asleep, with the help of papa, cry from exhaustion. Call in reinforcements. Plan mini-vacation with sister-in-law to recoop. Hand off baby duties to Nana.

Day 4:

7:00 a.m. - Nana comes.

12:00 p.m. - Listen to Nana gush about how well-behaved and happy your child is. Silently wonder if your child behaves better for Nana or if Nana is exaggerating to make you feel less guilty about leaving. Decide it's probably a mixture of both and swear to enjoy 36 hours of vacation before returning home.

From now on, mom and baby are joining dad on business trips. If he's not going to sleep anyway, may as well do it in a fun locale.

- N.