After I became pregnant I started reading a lot of mom blogs. They helped me get through a lot of the ups and downs of pregnancy as well as the hardships of the birth aftermath. The words other mothers wrote about their experiences helped me feel like I wasn't alone in my thoughts and experiences. Because of this, I decided to start my own mommy blog. A place I can be completely honest about my pregnancy, labor and venture into parenthood.
Being someone's mom has changed my life immensely. I used to think people who said having their child was their greatest accomplishment were, well, simple. But it turns out I just couldn't understand it. It's impossible to fathom just how motherhood (or fatherhood) will affect you until you're actually there. You could be the president of the United States and your greatest accomplishment would probably still be your children (or at least it should be).
One of the things I noticed first after I gave birth to my son (about 8 weeks ago) was how much I wasn't myself when I was pregnant. I knew that I was different. I was sick. I had no energy. The things that interested me before were less interesting to me now. It was strange. But I didn't realize how much I truly wasn't myself until I wasn't pregnant anymore. Like I was literally a different person.
My pregnancy was rough. I was sick for 9 months with "what Duchess Kate had" (or what is less commonly referred to as hyperemesis) so I puked most of the time, spent some time in the hospital being rehydrated and experienced lovely pre-labor contractions at just 32 weeks. It was hard and I swore up and down every day that I wouldn't do it again. I stopped going to the gym (I was a self-proclaimed gym rat in my previous life), gave up most of my favorite TV shows (watching TV made me nauseous) and generally stopped going out (we lived in Nevada for most of my pregnancy so even when I wasn't spending quality time with my toilet, going to concerts or out to nice dinners was still often off limits to me because all of the downtown casinos where these events were held allowed smoking inside).
After birth I slowly became myself again. As my stitches healed (yes, I had stitches) and the nausea (finally) subsided, I started feeling like me again. My energy returned, which was weird considering how tired I always was, I started being able to walk around and go places again (baby in tow) and I immediately became happier. I embraced motherhood and I loved it (despite the moments it felt impossible). It's been 8 weeks and I'm not there yet, I'm not fully 100% me. But I'm getting there, and it feels good. I feel like the person my husband fell in love with, which was an emotional struggle for me while I was pregnant and bawling my eyes out exclaiming to my husband that he would never love me the same because I was "fat" and "miserable" and "mean" all the time (oh yes, the joys of crazy hormones).
Despite the fact that I feel I'm becoming me again, I also feel like I'm becoming this better version of me. I'm less selfish. It's not like I was a horrible, self-centered human being to begin with, but I've started to put others needs before my own. Clearly I put my son's needs first, but it's not just him. I cook more for my husband (despite having less time to do so) and I try to find time to make his life easier by packing his lunches, folding his laundry or never telling him he can't golf even if I need some me time, too. Being a mother has made me more than a mother; it's made me a better person, a better friend and a better wife.
Perhaps one of my biggest epiphanies about motherhood and the after-effects of pregnancy came today. I was at the gym (round 3 this week, which I feel pretty good about) and I was about 40 minutes into a cardio session, closing in on 500 calories burned on the treadmill when I realized.. accomplishing an hour of cardio at a 10-18 incline would have been a struggle for me before I ever got pregnant. I was undoubtedly stronger and in way better shape (not to mention a good deal lighter) beforehand, but somehow I could do more today than I could then. I can't lift as heavy of weights and I'm not as flexible, but I was mentally stronger. I could push through the pain and the mental "this-is-too-much" feeling. At the end of the hour I felt like I could keep going. I could do more. (I didn't because I missed my baby and wanted to get home, but knowing I could have felt empowering). Pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood had made me strong, not weak. My muscles ripped and pulled and dissipated and I am still experiencing the after pains that linger longer than the rumored "6 weeks," but I was strong. Who would have thought?
I hope you'll join me as I continue my journey through motherhood. We can have our revelations together, overcome our inevitable and unwarranted body hate (yes, it's real) and discuss all of the embarrassing, taboo topics that no one thinks women should discuss (when really, we should be discussing them at length to help combat those silly insecurities and the feeling that we are alone in our journeys to become the best mothers we can be).
- N.
Slightly Crunchy: giving in to some of the earth-preserving, "granola-esque" qualities that are often associated with mothers such as cloth diapering, breastfeeding and organic baby food-making, but without fully embracing the "make-your-own-clothes-wear-organic-deodorant-all-natural-everything" lifestyle.
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